Spam Artisans Return To Reading

In keeping with this week's theme of getting right to the point, I now respectfully submit two photos from yesterday's second annual Spam Carving Competition in Reading. Here, some of the more esteemed competitors stand in front of their creations:

Reading -- Spam Carve 2009 1.JPG 

So, from left to right, we have some sort of ramp, a Stonehenge-looking thing, several asymmetrical lumps, a demon dog, and a Phillies "P". You know what, I'm going to have to zoom in for a closer look:

Demon Dog!

Reading -- Spam -- Demon Dog!.JPG 

Phillies "P"!

Reading -- Spam -- Phillies.JPG

The Rest!

Reading -- Spam -- The Rest.JPG

Actually, it was one of the the above entries that was declared winner. Over there, on the far right, is Mr. Jose Alicea's sculpture of a living room.

Mr. Jose Alicea received an award for his creation:

Reading -- Spam Carve 2 (shot by Ralph Trout).JPG

(all photos: Rob Trout)

And now, because additional information is always appreciated, I present to you a sizable portion of Reading's press release:

Jose Alicea, 44, from Gilbertsville won the SPAM carving contest.

 

His sculpture was a living room.

 

Alicea works for Liberty Thrift Home Furnishing in Pottstown and Collegeville and his work was his inspiration. 

The annual event raised $500 for Opportunity House. 

Opportunity House is a multi-service organization that improves the quality of life for children, families and adults who face various obstacles to independence, and supports their efforts to achieve and maintain self-sufficiency and well-being.

So, there you go. Spam was carved, money was raised, and everyone went home happy. Well, almost everyone.

Starstruck in Staten

Time is at a premium these days. The season is in full swing, and beyond my myriad professional obligations I am also very busy watching Conan O'Brien and playing in a pinball league.

Therefore, I must keep my blog posts short and to the point. With that in mind, let me share two photos I received from baby-bombers.com mastermind Robert Pimpsner. It seems that none other than Sopranos star Vinny Pastore threw out the first pitch at Sunday's Staten Island Yankees game.

Here, he lectures a gaggle of patriotic youth:

Staten Island -- Big xxxxx.JPG

And here he is on the mound:

Staten Island -- Big xxxxx 2.JPG 

The New York-Penn League is certainly off to an edgy start this season. First, the Cyclones tackled politics. Then, the Spinners gave away a "BOS". And now the Staten Island Yanks have a man best known as "Big [censored]" throwing out a ceremonial first pitch.

And I don't even want to get into what's going in the league next week...there's going to be both cross-dressing and liposuction, I can tell you that much.

Now It Can Be Revealed

Last week's post on the Lowell Spinners' "Politically Incorrect Night" was extensive, but I nonetheless left out the most controversial and shocking aspect of the promotion:

Apropos of nothing, the first 1500 fans received a BOS. What is a BOS, you ask? Uh, well, the "B" stands for bag. Here, a young fan checks out the contents of said bag:

Lowell BOS 3.JPG

As for what was in the bag? Well, uh, hopefully this will explain:

Thumbnail image for lowell BOS 2.JPG 

Yeah, that is what you think it is. Plastic poo. Now that I have performed my civic doody by providing this information to the masses, I can log off this computer for the first time in what feels like forever. Good night.

benjamin.hill@mlb.com

Wilmington is Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes Above The Rest

Good afternoon.

This morning, my article on Minor League World Records "went live" on MiLB.com. You can check it out here. The article included some first-hand observations from the Wilmington Blue Rocks' "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" world record attempt, but there's much more where that came from.

The following video, put together by my friend and occasional NYC comedy collaborator Jake Goldman, documents our evening in Wilmington:
 


I think the video came out well (Jake did a great job of putting it together) but there is plenty of room for improvement. I am making this all up as I go along, in terms of how these Minor League trips are planned, funded, and documented, so bear with me here. I appreciate any and all feedback, just keep in mind that I will always be my own worst critic (so, yeah, I am more than aware of my sloppy appearance and mumbly-mouthed speech patterns).

There's nothing I can to do except to keep trying, so I'll get out to the ballparks as often as time and money allows. I appreciate all the invitations and hospitality that have been extended thus far...it is my ultimate goal to create a nationwide network of friends, acquaintances, fans, and mentors, and to never have to pay for a hotel room. Paying for things is for suckers. 

benjamin.hill@mlb.com

Entertaining to the End In Lakewood

lbc.gif9:30 a.m. is the earliest I have ever arrived at a professional ballpark in order to take in a game. 12:40 a.m. is the latest that I have ever stayed. Remarkably, both of these personal records were set on the same day -- June 15, 2009.

As always, an explanation is needed. And, as always, I'll do my best to provide one. What follows is part two of my latest not-so-amazing Minor League saga.


Part Two: The Late Show

(click here for part one)

The best part about attending a ballgame that starts at 9:35 a.m. is that it leaves plenty of time in the day in which to do other things -- such as watching even more Minor League Baseball games.

So, after taking in the Reading Phils morning game at FirstEnergy Stadium, the next stop on our agenda was Lakewood's FirstEnergy Park (I know, it's easy to get confused). There, the Class-A BlueClaws were slated to take on the Delmarva ShoreBirds in a 6 p.m. doubleheader. With a less than a week to go in the season's first half, the BlueClaws had a three game lead over Delmarva in the SAL's Northern Division.

Therefore, this game had PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS, to the extent that I compulsively boldface those two words whenever they appear together. It's just how I was raised. But, to me, PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS were secondary to the opportunity to simply check out a ballpark I hadn't been to. I mean, I write about Minor League Baseball for a living. Time to get out of the office and start living (even if it means charging it to the personal credit card).

Despite the near identical names and the fact that they both house Phillies affiliates, FirstEnergy Stadium and FirstEnergy Park couldn't be any more dissimilar. Whereas Reading's facility has that quintessential old-time feel, Lakewood is very much a 21st-century ballpark. Upon entering the stadium, one is immediately struck by its vastness. A wide, open concourse runs far down the baselines on each side before giving way to a paved path that loops around the entire outfield. There is plentiful grass berm seating, and room to spread out in nearly every direction. The park has over 6,500 seats, but can fit nearly double that many people because of its overall spaciousness. Behold, a diagram lifted from the team's website:

lakewood.jpg 
The BlueClaws dropped the first game of the doubleheader by a score of 5-1. During the contest, fans were entertained between innings by spectacles such as a potato sack race, hoagie toss, and, of course, the eyeball race:

lakewood eyeball.JPG 

I was going to make a joke about why the red eye is in last, but, you know, it's just too easy. So, moving on...

One thing that caught me off-guard was the blowing of the "last call" foghorn after the sixth inning. After all, it was still Game One of a doubleheader. Weren't they going to sell beer in Game Two? My question was answered when an announcement came over the PA that "beer sales would resume after the first pitch of the second game."

I am still confused by this temporary cessation of alcohol sales. I should have done some investigation reporting on the issue, but my predatory journalistic instincts had been dulled by nacho consumption (email me if you know the reason beer sales are halted between games of a doubleheader).

Between games, I introduced myself to BlueClaws director of promotions Hal Hansen. He graciously extended the invitation to participate in Game Two's scheduled mascot race -- an extravaganza in which pork roll, egg, and cheese are pitted against one another. These three ingredients form the basis of New Jersey's signature sandwich (although the BlueClaws have discontinued it as a concession item due to low sales), and I immediately said yes to this most generous offer.

Hal told me to meet him on the concourse in the middle of the fourth inning, and that we'd run the race in the middle of the fifth.

The thing was, it took a LONG time to get to the middle of the fourth. While a light rain had been falling throughout much of Game Two, during the fourth inning a true deluge began. Play was summarily halted.

lakewood tarp on.JPG

The skies cleared, eventually, and the game resumed after a 79-minute delay. At this point it was past 11 p.m., and only several dozen fans (out of an announced crowd of 5,314) remained in the ballpark. A gaggle of young hecklers took advantage of the situation and set up camp right behind the Delmarva on-deck circle, providing derisive commentary on the team's every move. But beyond these boisterous individuals, the atmosphere could best be described as "tomb-like". What had begun as a vibrant and well-attended evening had degenerated into a surreal late-night spectacle witnessed solely by hard-core fans.

And aspiring mascot racers.

Despite the delay, I had not forgotten Hal's invitation to suit up and race. In the middle of the fourth, I wandered over to our designated meeting spot, fully expecting that he would tell me the race was canceled.

And that's what he did tell me -- at first. After all, the team's on-field mc had already left, and there didn't really seem to be a point in running for a virtually non-existent crowd. I took it in stride, but mentioned to Hal that I'd have to come back another time, because racing as "Pork Roll" was on my bucket list.

This comment was off-the-cuff and facetious, but it nonetheless seemed to strike a chord with Hal. "Let's do it," he said, his expression suddenly becoming one of steely resolve. "We entertain to the end."

With that, we made our way into the bowels of the stadium, past the BlueClaws' dugout and into the mascot room. I was Pork Roll, Hal was Cheese, and an intern whose name I neglected to take down (sorry, it was late) suited up as egg.

I had never been dressed as a Pork Roll before, and I soon learned that the bulky, wire-framed outfit provided limited range of movement and visibility. When the top of the fifth inning ended, we made our way through the tunnel (passing the befuddled grounds crew along the way), walked into the BlueClaws dugout, then up the steps and onto the field.

It was 11:56 p.m., raining, and I could barely see. Our presence was announced over the PA and the response was...dead silence. As we lined up next to one another, facing toward first base, all I could hear was the pop of the catcher's mitt as Delmarva's pitcher threw his warm-up tosses. The crowd, if it could be called that, remained quiet. Then, over the PA, I heard the following: "Ready, Set, Go!"

Now here is where I admit to being a bit too precious. Despite the fact that we were playing to an audience that was perilously close to zero, I wanted to put on a show. I purposely got off to a slow start, giving Egg and Cheese a nice 15-foot lead before I even began running. My thinking was that I would surpass them both en route to a dramatic come-from-behind victory. My thinking was flawed.

I was able to pass Cheese (sorry, Hal), but Egg was a veteran racer and therefore never in any real danger of relinquishing his lead as we raced around the basepaths. I had to settle for second place, and will forever be haunted with the thought of what could have been. For reasons not worth getting into, I have very little photographic evidence of this race. This is all that exists (wiggling through that dugout entrance was hard work, and one can observe that I had retracted my arms in order to consolidate myself as much as possible):

lakewood pork roll.JPG 

In the bottom of the fifth inning, we were once again the recipients of a torrential downpour. It was past midnight, and the game was official (the BlueClaws were up, 6-4), so I thought that the game was going to be ended right then and there.

But, no. This game had PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS, so the tarp went back on. With no more mascot races to look forward to, all I could do was wait dejectedly on the concourse. Here's a photo of my brother, Andy, and I as we attempt to stick things through to the end:

lakewood -- andy ben.JPG
    
Fortunately, the end was near. The rains showed no signs of abating, and at 12:40 a.m. the game was officially called. While walking back to the car, I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that my day of Minor League Baseball had begun more than 15 hours earlier in Reading. But at that late hour my mind lacked the proper elasticity to fully embrace such information. So I gave up my efforts at mental expansion, opting instead to take a nice little nap in the car.

And during my nap, I dreamed. And in this dream, Pork Roll ran much faster than Egg. That's the way it should be. One day, God willing, it will.  

Barack and His Bobble

I attended yesterday's "Baracklyn Cyclones" promotion at KeySpan Park in Coney Island, and am currently working on an article recapping the evening's events.

(update: article is here)

But, because it is important for me to remain America's go-to Minor League promotional guru, I feel compelled to share the following image immediately. It is an all-time classic.

Photo Credit: George Napolitano/Brooklyn Cyclones

brooklyn baracklyn bobble.JPG

Friday Mailbag, Vol. 1

mailbag.jpgThe thought has occurred to me that I should follow the lead of about 372,000 other writers and begin a mailbag feature.

Of course, in this day and age, I do not receive literal mail in a literal bag. But my inbox is routinely bombarded with missives of all styles and stripes. Some land in my inbox with a portentous thud, while others float in with the grace of a ballerina on a hang glider. Regardless, I need an outlet for these communiques, and now I have one. And, yes, I realize that "Friday Mailbag" lacks the alliterative flair of "Monday Mailbag". It is usually difficult for me to post on Mondays, however, so in this case alliterative flair can go take a hike. Go drink Margaritas with your Mommy in Miami, alliterative flair. I know you're into that sort of thing.

As always, I can be reached at benjamin.hill@mlb.com. Feel free to get in touch, for any reason at all. And now, time for me to get elbow-deep into the mailbag. Apologies in advance for the fact that cutting and pasting these messages will result in all sorts of ugly font discrepancies.

Enclosed please find a picture of the rubber duck the Frederick Keys gave away last Saturday.  After reading your description in the promotions column, I felt compelled to attend the game.  I suppose the duck is supposed to look like a baseball - it looks more like Frankenduck to me.
Keep up the good work.
John M

John M. was true to his word, and sent along the following pic of the so-called "Frankenduck". Thanks, John!

keys -- frankenduck.JPG 

Moving on, the following is from one-half of Minor League Baseball's greatest country-comedy song-writing duo: Stache and Hawk.


Hey man-

 

We really appreciated the article you did last year and just wanted to send you

stachehawk.jpg

our new song.  We released this single from our forthcoming album.  It's a funny tune that I think you'll get a kick out of.  It's titled, "Eh Rawd's Special Sauce"

 

Thanks again-

 "Hawk"


While I am unable to post MP3s on this site, I can attest to the fact that Stache and Hawk's latest single is very much worth a listen. You can do so on their MySpace page. Go!


Meanwhile, in other Minor League music news... In my recent Promo Preview column I made a fleeting mention to the Stockton Ports' "Nickelback Night." This prompted Ports front office employee Kyle DeWitt to write me, in order to explain the rationale behind the promotion. Take it away, Kyle:


nback.jpg

Thanks for the pub referencing our Nickelback Night. I just wanted to let you know we were intentionally trashing Nickelback all night with our on-field MC and PA announcer reciting and ridiculing lyrics throughout the game. Also, several on-field promotions were created to exaggerate the terribly overrated band. Games we played last night were "Name that Awful Tune," "Grunt a Nickelback Song Contest" and other useless trivia about how terrible Nickelback is for the United States economy, and that we are educating Americans to save money by not purchasing these awful records that only further dumb-down society as a whole.

I just wanted to make sure you knew we were absolutely NOT celebrating this band. Thanks!


Duly noted, Kyle. Duly noted. Sometimes, however, my readers are not-so level headed. As an example, here's an excerpt from a message I recieved yesterday. "Michael", the author of this tirade and one of the masterminds behind this blog, was less than pleased at the tardy appearance of my latest "Promotion Preview" column: