The Mitchell Report and How It May Relate to Costumed Bugs and Lumberjacks

GnatethegreatThe Mitchell Report exploded upon the professional baseball landscape yesterday, and its repercussions will no doubt be felt for a very long time. Senator Mitchell chose to name names, and dozens of prominent baseball celebrities were implicated. Fortunately for those who truly care about the sanctity of the sport, none of these individuals were Minor League mascots.

Minor League team employees across the U.S. breathed a sigh of relief at this news, but perhaps the greatest exhalation came from those who work for the Savannah Sand Gnats. Despite much speculation to the contrary, their mascot Gnate T. Gnat was not listed anywhere within Senator Mitchell’s grand tome.

The Sand Gnats, in fact, sent out a press release celebrating this fact. In the release, the team attributes Gnate’s physique to his diet of steamed crabs, pizza, and ice cream, as well as the fact that he spends much of time playing Twister and dancing the Macarena as well as the Electric Slide. His record of 3-156 in the "Race Around the Bases" contest appears to have been attained legitimately.

However, all may not be well in mascot land, for yesterday the Williamsport CrossCutters announcedRusty
that mascot Rusty Roughcut will be leaving the team, effective immediately. Given that Rusty is one of the more bulked-up mascots in the game, it appears odd that he would announce his retirement on the same day that the Mitchell Report is released. Is he hiding something? And if so, what?

Regardless, we must remember that this is America, and that Rusty is innocent until proven guilty. Rusty states that he is leaving baseball solely because he wishes to compete in sanctioned Lumberjack competitions, so we must take him at his word and wish him the best.

The CrossCutters’ new mascot will be introduced this Spring, an exciting event that this fine blog will undoubtedly cover in full.

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