In Which the Not-So-Friendly Skies Are Brought Down to Earth

airplane_l.gifWhen we last checked in with the Fort Myers Miracle, they had just instituted their “Cheaper By the Gallon” promotion. As part of this wide-ranging initiative, ticket prices and concession stand items were sold at the same price of a gallon of unleaded gasoline.

Apparently, this was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the Miracle’s willingness to poke fun at our nation’s transportation woes. Just yesterday, the club staged “Flight to Nowhere Night” at beautiful Hammond Stadium. 

Appropriate to this dystopian, post-modern age in which we live, “Flight to Nowhere Night” ismiracle.jpg perhaps best described as an “anti-promotion.” The Miracle’s goal for the evening was to bring the commercial airline experience to the ballpark. What did this entail? I believe the press release can answer that question!

“Passengers can begin boarding the Hammond Stadium seats at 6 p.m…You will be able to check your bag
for a nominal fee, but we can’t guarantee that your possessions won’t
be mishandled, lost, mangled or rummaged thru…Allow for extra time to enter Hammond Stadium. Everyone will be screened by our resident FIG (Fun Is Good) agents.”

If you think it ends there, then you are not thinking very hard.

check.jpgIn the midst of a fiscal crisis caused by increasingly high fuel costs
and bad economy, the Miracle will add additional fees to generate
revenue on Thursday. Pocket schedules, normally free, will now cost $1
and aisle seats will cost an extra $2. Birthday announcements,
participation in on-field games and singing of the 7th inning stretch
will now come with a fee.”

Want more? You got it:

“The Miracle does apologize in advance for seats that have been oversold
and will accommodate anyone that is bumped. Box Seats will be
considered first class and Reserved Grandstand seats will be coach.
Cart service, provided from our lovely Miracle in-stadium attendants,
will only be available in the box seats. Upgrades are available for an
additional fee…The flight is scheduled to last nine innings. We can’t do anything
about extra innings or weather-related delays. There is no minimum stay
required and the exit gates may not be open just because the game has

Now, you may be reading this and thinking it doesn’t sound like a very fun night out. The Miracle, however, operate at a higher lever:

“When the night is over you will realize that your experience at Hammond
Stadium is an automatic relief from the stress that is flying these

I would like to see this emerge as a new trend in Minor League promotions: theme nights that highlight the indignities of 21st-century American life in order to illustrate how much better it is to be at the ballpark.

May I suggest “Global Conglomerate Customer Service Night”, in which all tickets and concessions must be purchased by phoning a call center in India? Or — for any fellow NewThumbnail image for G.png York City residents reading this — how about “G Train Appreciation Night”? Inning breaks would be 20 minutes long, fans would be encouraged to throw their trash on the floor, and the PA announcer would be completely indecipherable.

The possibilities are endless, really, and I shall ponder said possibilities for the duration of the entire weekend. Have a great one, everybody.

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