Spinners Successfully Stage Swiftian Social Satire
Hello everyone. After a long weekend running around from ballpark to ballpark like a fourth-rate Hunter S. Thompson, I am now safely back within New York City’s comforting embrace. I have much material to digest and write about, and rest assured I’ll get around to it.
Today, however, I want to follow up on an item in the most recent edition of “Promotion Preview”. One of the promos I included was the Lowell Spinners “Politically Correct” and “Politically Incorrect” theme nights (occurring on June 22 and June 23, respectively). In the column itself, I was barely able to scratch the surface of what the Spinners have planned for these evenings. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:
Now an annual tradition in Lowell, “Political Correctness” and
“Incorrectness” nights give the team a chance to lampoon the mores and
moral codes of 21st American society…What follows is a
sampling of what’s going on during Monday’s “Politically Incorrectness
Night” — the concession stands will be staffed exclusively by females
(ensuring that men will have their food served to them by women), gas
cards will be awarded to those driving the least fuel-efficient
vehicles, cots will be set up in the concourse so that elderly fans can
take a nap and teams with insensitive nicknames will be saluted.
That write-up may have given people an inkling of what to expect, but the people demand more. Always more. So now, without further ado, here’s a much more thorough list of the evening’s festivities (thanks to Spinners media relations manager Jon Boswell for the info):
Politically Correct Night (cue maddening blue font that, for reasons I do not understand, I will not be able to get rid of for the rest of the post):
– The first 500 FANS will receive road maps for navigation purposes
while planning their summer trips.
— The “shortstop” becomes the “Vertically Challenged Stop”, while other positions are referred to in gender-neutral terms (ie “First Base Person”)
– A PC Policeperson (Spinner intern) dressed in green will roam the concourse correcting
politically incorrect statements and actions. Watch out you over indulgent
ketchup or mustard user. Waste is politically incorrect!
– Bases aren’t numbered (because no base is better than another)
– Salute to Hybrids/Solar Energy/Recycling (otherwise known as Crunchy Granola
– Bat-Person – one boy & one girl (We wouldn’t want to break Title IX
– Play Anthems of all countries our players are from (Get ready for a nice
– Our PA Announcer will speak different languages throughout the game to insure
all fans are catered to. Our PA Announcers will also switch, with 4.5 innings of
a male and 4.5 innings of a female to announce our players.
– Our traditional pre-game field of dreams will feature both a pregame softball
game and little league game, so both male and female teams are allowed to play.
- Fans who possess a Green Card to prove legal residency get 15%
off in the store
- Obesity, particularly in children, is a major issue so we will be
offering in-game physical fitness for our fans. We will also offer a table for
fans to register for a season long Spinners Fan Biggest Loser contest to
promote healthier living.
– No position announced with errors because we would never want to hurt anyone’s
feelings. Can’t we all be winners?
- “Honor” those local high
schools that changed their team mascots because team names like “Red Men” and
“Warriors” are offensive.
Politically Incorrect Night
- The first 500 MEN will receive road maps for navigation on the
roads, since we know men
would never pull over and ask for directions.
– Fans who cannot fit through the turnstile will be charged for a “companion
seat.” However, since all of our seats are sold out, they will be asked to
purchase an additional “standing room only” ticket. Airline seat belts will be
used as a measuring stick (one seatbelt OK, two seatbelts NO WAY).
- Yankees fans will not be allowed to enter through the main gate. These fans will be shown to a back entrance way for special entry.
– Giveaway Gas Cards as a prize to the fans that arrive at the game using the
biggest gas guzzlers.
– All-Time Politically Incorrect Moment will be determined by the fans (still
looking for submissions)
- Only Females will work in the concession stands taking orders, to insure that women provide the men with their food.
- The fifth inning will be designated as time for women to get
their husbands/boyfriends an in-game snack and/or beverage because they have
worked hard all day
- Everything is in English because people should be speaking our country’s
– Youth Soccer Game in outfield and we keep score, because kids need to learn
about winning and losing.
- A salute to those teams who have remained strong and refused to
change their “offensive” team (local high schools, like colleges, in Massachusetts have been
forced to change their team names) while mocking those teams that did change
– At 8 p.m. cots will be available for elderly people to nap while the
remainder of their party enjoys the game.
- Players making errors will have clips played on the video board
mocking their misplays (Mine, Mine, Mine from Finding Nemo and DOH! From the
Simpsons highlighting the clips)
So, there you have it folks — two days of first-rate social satire from our friends in that liberal wasteland known as “Massachusetts”.There is, in fact, one more aspect of “Politically Incorrect Night” that I decided to omit for the time being. It is just too explosive, and sometimes we in the media must withhold information in order to maintain stability and order among the rabble. This is one such occasion.
In other news — I’m planning on attending Wilmington’s “Head Shoulders Knees Toes” world record attempt on Friday. I also plan on being at “Baracklyn Cyclones Night” in Brooklyn on Tuesday. If you will be at one of these games, wander the ballpark calling my name until I respond.