Cream Stick Conclusions
Back in May, I did a post on the Akron Aeros’ rough-and-tumble Cream Stick Mascot Race. In short, this nightly competition featured three costumed characters — Vanilla, Chocolate, and Maple — racing from left field to the first base dugout.
Hilarity, as well as physical injury, often ensued.
Ever since this post ran, I have been deluged by reader emails and phone calls regarding the Cream Stick Race. This email, from “Jason R.” of Palo Alto, CA is representative of what the public has been demanding to know:
Mr. Hill —
I visited your blog after a co-worker of mine sent me a link to your post about that giant hamburger. I loved the photo of the hamburger, and set about scouring your blog for more photos of giant hamburgers. I didn’t find any, and was ready to banish you to the internet netherworld from whence you came when I stumbled upon your post on the Cream Stick Race.
While not nearly as entertaining as a photo of a giant hamburger, the Cream Stick Race piqued my interest to the point where I, a totally not made-up person, am now sending you an email seeking more information. Which Cream Stick won the most races in 2009? And do any impossible-to-access videos exist of Vanilla getting knocked out?
At any rate, here’s hoping that you are one day able to transcend your cultish industry following and become a writer of at least moderate renown.
Jason R, from whatever town it was that you said I was from
Well, Jason R., you are in luck. For I recently received an email from the best-named front-office employee in all of Minor League Baseball – Akron Aeros director of corporate and suite sales Calvin Funkhouser.
know that it’s been a while since my last email, but I wanted to update you on
what was a tumultuous season of Acme Cream Stick races. This season not
only saw its share of grass stains, bruises, and blood, but also ripped pants,
bruised ribs, a nearly broken ankle that required a trip to the ER, and a cream
stick almost getting knocked out on field.
the end of the season the three cream sticks were all tied at 22 wins
each. Fortunately the Aeros are in the playoffs which meant a Cream Stick
Championship Race. The course was extended to run around the outfield
portion of the warning track and in the end Chocolate pushed, shoved, and
sprinted his way to the championship. As you can see in the attached
pictures Chocolate unified the regular season and playoff championships (yes,
those are old school WWF belts).
And now, the aforementioned attached photos (“attached” presumably meaning that they are in monogamous relationships with other photos):
Funkhouser provides us only with this tantalizing clue:
you want to see the video of Vanilla getting knocked out you’ll need to friend
Danny James from Cuyahoga Community College on Facebook. He didn’t put
the video on Youtube. (feel free to print this last line, Dan getting
Facebook bombed would be hilarious).
The plot thickens! Who is this “Danny James” character, and why is he so stingy with his
exclusive Cream Stick Race footage? And, incidentally, is the Cuyahoga River still on fire? (despite the fact that I was born in Cleveland, my knowledge of the Cuyahoga begins and ends with Randy Newman).
I, for one, cannot even locate this “Danny James” on Facebook. Is there anyone out there who possesses people-finding skills that are greater than mine? Because I, and my legions of giant hamburger-obsessed readers, will not rest until we live in a world in which Vanilla Cream Stick knock-out videos are readily accessible on YouTube.