No Reason To Get Excited
There are a lot of interesting Minor League promotions scheduled to take place during the first week of the season, from 3D Videoboards to chicken-selling hip-hop stars to the immortalization of snowman decimation.
But to me, the promotion that stands out the most is the one that’s trying to stand out the least. For on April 11, the West Michigan Whitecaps will be celebrating the 57th Anniversary of the “Most Boring Day in History.”
This soporific salute was inspired by the NPR show All Things Considered, but not merely the existence of the show itself. In a segment that aired this past November, co-host Robert Siegel interviewed computer scientist William Tunstall-Pedoe on the latter’s non-explosive assertion that April 11, 1954 was the least significant day of the 20th century (Tunstall-Pedoe had reached this conclusion after conducting a query through the “True Knowledge” search engine he had invented).
This was all the Whitecaps needed to hear, as the club set about planning a tedious tribute to the 57th anniversary of history’s most boring day. According to Whitecaps director of media relations Mickey Graham, interminable innovations on this most monotonous of Mondays will include the following:
Fans will not be asked to sit on the edge of their seats (that’s too dangerous)
Our on-field host, whose day job is a high school math teacher, will lead the fans in solving math problems
The Dizzy Bat Race will be the leisurely ‘Walk to Second Base Race’ – no spinning, falling down or running allowed.
Our ball toss will become a ball handout
Batters will be announced in a monotone “Ben Stein” voice
Fans will be encouraged to “watch the grass grow” as the game progresses
Our IT manager will present to the fans a tutorial on how to properly use your desk phone
We will paint a wall before the game and give everyone the opportunity to watch the paint dry
Boring movie clips will be shown throughout the game on the video board
Elevator music will be played over the PA system
Thank goodness that all this boredom will be balanced out by nine innings of cold-weather Class A baseball on a Monday night! And if even that somehow fails to inspire, then fans can up the excitement by indulging in the Whitecaps’ super-exciting new concession stand addition:
It’s gonna be a long evening…