Fruits, Booze, and Floats

I long ago gave up on trying to be “first” with news related to the Minor League Baseball culinary scene, as the increase in traffic is met with a commensurate decrease in dignity. All people want to see is pictures, good writing is futile.

But, hey, when in Rome! An email from the Akron RubberDucks waddled into my inbox at the exact moment that I was settling in to write a new blog post, and this email informed me, the sendee, that TWO NEW “EXTREME MENU” ITEMS COMING TO CANAL PARK. Okay, I’ll (metaphorically) bite!

These “Extreme Menu” items are, unfortunately not a reference to Nuno Bettencourt’s short-lived stint as the host of a public access cooking show. Rather, in the grand Akron tradition of the “Nice 2 Meat You Burger” and the “Three Dog Night,” they are EXTREME-ly ridiculous examples of culinary creativity courtesy of RubberDucks food and beverage director Brian Manning.

All 2014 Extreme Foods and Duck FloatsLet’s break it down, via the time honored artistic tradition known to its core practitioners as “press release cut and paste.”

The new “Extreme Menu” entrée is the “The Pineapple TeriyAKRON Bowl.” It is half of a pineapple, hollowed out to create a bowl. It is then stuffed with a stir fry of grilled white-meat chicken, white rice, and diced pineapple before a finishing drizzle of teriyaki sauce. “The Pineapple TeriyAKRON Bowl” will sell for $11 and will be available at the Nice 2 Meat U Grill located in left field behind the new Fowl Territory seating.

Time to Dole out the picture:

Pineapple TeriyAKRON BowlTime to employ another deft “Ctrl-C to Ctrl-V” maneuver. This one is no doubt inspired by the Charleston RiverDogs’ “Beer Shake,” and as an added bonus the RubberDucks describe it elsewhere in the press release as “adults only.”

Joining the “TeriyAKRON Bowl” on the “Extreme Menu” is the giant, 32 ounce “The Ugly Duckling.” It comprises 16 ounces of an Irish full-bodied stout beer is poured over three heaping scoops of vanilla ice cream and topped off with chocolate syrup and chocolate sprinkles. “The Ugly Duckling” is available to adults of legal drinking age at the Sock Hop Ice Cream Shoppe along the right-field concourse and will sell for $9.75.

The Ugly Duckling

But that? That is not all.

Also available at the Sock Hop Ice Cream Shoppe are the full line of “Duck Floats,” sure to be a hit for fans young and old. They will be available in 16-ounce size for $5 and a 32-ounce version for $8. Each float is made up of ice cream mixed with a flavorful soda and is named after a famous duck from the world of entertainment. There’s “The Donald,” made with Orange Crush soda and vanilla ice cream; “The Scrooge,” made with Mountain Dew soda and vanilla ice cream; “The Howard,” made with chocolate ice cream and Mug Cream soda; “The Daisy,” made with Strawberry Crush soda and vanilla ice cream; and “The Daffy,” made with Grape Crush soda and vanilla ice cream.

I am deeply disappointed that there is no float called the “You Sucker”.

New 2014 Duck Floats

And there you have it! To all the amateur hour internet hyperbolists who may soon write about these items, just know that I am the greatest of all time.

benjamin.hill@mlb.com

twitter.com/bensbiz

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