The RubberDucks Shoot Down Brian Williams
April 27, as you well know, is “National Tell A Story Day.” The Akron RubberDucks, seeking to commemorate this beloved annual occasion, were recently struck with a burst of inspiration: Why not pay tribute to disgraced NBC news anchor Brian Williams, a man who has recently proven himself to be a storyteller par excellence?
— Akron RubberDucks (@AkronRubberDuck) February 11, 2015
And here we go, the first Minor League promo to be inspired by the Lies of Brian, live and direct from the (Sa)Tire City. It is sure to anchor the RubberDucks’ promo schedule, and if you don’t like that they’re doing it, I simply refer to you this piece of apparel that can be found in the team store:
And now, in the interest of maintaining my own impeccable journalistic credentials, I will now unquestioningly quote the team’s press release at length:
[Brian Williams Pants on Fire Night] will feature an array of storytelling-related fun. Highlights include:
- First 100 fans will receive a pair of suspenders upon entering Canal Park
- On-field contests, including “To Tell the Truth” and “Two Truths & a Brian Williams,” also known as “Two Truths and a Lie”
- In honor of National Tell a Story Day, a fan named Brian Williams will read tall tales
- A between-inning chance for fans to audition to be the next television news anchor on the video board, with the fan-voted winner’s video sent to NBC
- A pair of pants from Brian Williams will be burned in a “pants on fire” ceremony
- Any fan in attendance named Brian Williams will have a chance to throw out a ceremonial first pitch
I’m guessing that the suspenders will help suspend fans’ belief that such a ridiculous promotion is actually taking place. I would also like to know how, exactly, that the RubberDucks’ plan to obtain a pair of Brian Williams’ pants for the on-field “pants on fire” ceremony. Did they have just so happen to have a pair lying around, right next to Brokaw’s blazer and a pair of Cronkite cuff links? I heard a rumor they also might have a pair of Dan’s underwear, but I’d Rather not go there.
Either way, I’m looking forward to April 27. Here’s hoping the RubberDucks actually go through with this promo, and don’t later claim that the idea had, in fact, been shot down.
Meanwhile, if you’re looking for a more good-natured media-themed Eastern League promo announced in the late afternoon of February 10, the Trenton Thunder would like you to know about this:
Further strengthening my Pulitzer credentials, I once again defer to the press release in lieu of any journalistic legwork whatsoever:
Last night, Mercer County native Jon Stewart (Lawrence, NJ) announced his plans to leave Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show,” after a historic run as the show’s anchor for over 16 years. Stewart mentioned that he had looked forward to having dinner on a school night with his family and that he had heard from multiple sources that they “are lovely people.”
Your Thunder proudly extend an official invitation to Mr. Stewart to enjoy a game in the family-friendly environment of ARM & HAMMER Park.
Stewart, a well-known Mets fan, is welcome to attend the Binghamton Mets’ only visit to ARM & HAMMER Park during a four-game series beginning on July 23. That weekend the Thunder will giveaway CC Sabathia bobbleheads presented by TD Bank (July 24 to the first 2,000 fans ages 14 and over) and have two opportunities to watch fireworks shows (July 23 and 25). On Sunday July 26, the first 1,000 fans (age 14 and over) through the gate will get a duffle bag, and after the game, kids can run the bases courtesy of TD Bank.
My sources (aka “the voices in my head that compel me to keep writing nonsense long after people have stopped reading”) tell me that the Thunder briefly considered extending a similar invite to Stewart’s The Daily Show predecessor. That idea, however, was Kilborn.