On the Road: Heart Attacks and Raging Cougars in Kane County

To see all of my posts from this May 23, 2015 visit to the Kane County Cougars (this is Part Three) click HERE. To see all of the posts from my May 2015 trip through the Midwest, click HERE. To see all of my “On the Road” posts (going back to 2010), click HERE.

Regarding designated eaters, standard operating procedure calls for one (1) such individual to be recruited at each ballpark I visit. This individual will then consume, and be documented consuming, the ballpark cuisine that my gluten-free diet prohibits.

But standard operating procedures can be deviated, subverted, tweaked and outright ignored when the situation calls for it. The situation called for it in Kane County, as I recruited not one but — wait for it — two designated eaters.

052That’s David Lesser on the right and, because Lesser is more, Jason Bohn behind him and to the left. I asked both of these gentlemen to be designated eater, simply because they sent me an email asking for the privilege at exactly the same time. Tie goes to the eater.

The Cougars, led by the unstoppable force of hospitality that is public relations director Shawn Touney, provided David and Jason with seating in the new “Strike Zone” area behind home plate. This area includes wait staff service, which was coordinated in this case by food and beverage director Jon Williams.

So what do you have planned for these guys, Jon?

We began with the Heart Attack Burger, described by Jon in the above video as “Two grilled cheese sandwiches. In between that is a half-pound burger, grilled onions, fried egg, two strips of bacon and a bacon-chipotle mayo sauce.”

053Have at it, guys.

Okay, let’s take a moment to meet our designated eaters.

055

David, a long-ago West Michigan Whitecaps intern, was attending the game with his wife, Kristin. They live in Chicago; he works in the accounting department of a law firm and she as a fifth grade teacher. David enjoys Cougars games because “they put on a good show,” and is a huge fan of Minor League Baseball in general. He said that he wanted to be a designated eater because it represented “a great chance to eat a lot of good food.”

“My wife claims that when I got this opportunity, I was more excited than when we got married,” said David.

“That’s not a joke,” added Kristen.

I then, apropos of nothing, asked David to name his favorite band of all time. He had to mullet over, but settled on Diamond Rio.

Of the Heart Attack burger, David said that “It’s basically a patty melt with an egg on it, in between a grilled cheese sandwich. It’s good. Really good.”

Okay, let’s move on to Jason, who was a considerably faster eater than was David.

054Jason grew up in the idyllic vacation wonderland that is the Wisconsin Dells, and now lives in Milwaukee. After a stint doing software support for a tech company, he is about to begin a new position with the Better Business Bureau of Wisconsin. He had previously worked in the world of Minor League hockey, which gave him an appreciation for how such entities operate. These days, Jason loves visiting Minor League stadiums as they help facilitate his passion for “travel, sports and zoos.” His favorite band is Ben Folds Five, whom he had recently seen play at a church.

“It was a hike to get here. I had to rent a car,” said Jason of his designated eating motivation. “But I get to see a Minor League team I haven’t seen yet, meet royalty — that’s you — and eat at the same time. I mean, I might as well.”

Jason accomplished his goal of not being “the first person to die of a heart attack while eating the Heart Attack Burger.” He did eat the thing in 90 seconds flat, however, remarking that “I fasted all day for this.”

“It’s actually really good,” he said. “It’s obviously sloppy, but everything is quality.”

Okay, next up: BBQ Pork Chop Sandwich. 10 ounces of butterflied boneless meat on a bun.

057

David was familiar with this item, which he said might already be his favorite ballpark concession item. (“The barbecue sauce is great.”) In this photo he appears to be kissing the sandwich as opposed to eating it. To each his own.

059

As for Jason — blink and you miss him eating it. This man was a true speed demon.

058

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m not really a big pork guy. It’s all the same.”

Next — more pork! A barbecue pulled pork sandwich, specifically.

IMG_1175

Kristin, David’s wife, volunteered to be photographed with this one because “My students will love it.” Okay, Mrs. Lesser’s fifth-grade students, this one’s for you:

064Meanwhile, Jason had pretty much eaten the whole thing by the time I was able to look in his direction.

065Despite his already-professed lackluster pork opinions, Jason was effusive.

“The pork was tender and the barbecue wasn’t overpowering. It never overtook the flavor of the awesome bun.”

Meanwhile, I was provided with some cheese fries. Cheese fries are good. I enjoy them. I wish I had some right now.

060Gluten-free for life!

061Finally, our designated heroes enjoyed Oreo Churros for dessert.

066En garde!

067“Excellent, and who doesn’t like a big tub to dip it in?” said David. “Growing up a White Sox fan, these were one of the staples of the concourse.”

Finally, it should be noted that David and Jason were drinking the new, team-branded “Raging Cougar Ale.”

ragingAnd in a collectible cup, no less.

068

#Cupdate

“Two Brothers makes a lot of good beer,” said David. “It’s hoppy. It’s good. I’m not good at giving descriptions, as you can tell.”

“I know nothing about beer, and I’m from Milwaukee,” said Jason. “It tastes like beer to me.”

So there you have it, folks, a cavalcade of Kane County concessions. Thanks to David and Jason for their enthusiasm, Kristin for her humor and patience, Jon for his culinary expertise, Shawn for the generous accommodations and the Strike Zone waitress (I never got her name) who provided excellent service throughout.

That’ll do it from Kane County, but this ramshackle one-man show of mine will be rolling on for months and months to come. Thanks, to you, for following along.

050

benjamin.hill@mlb.com

twitter.com/bensbiz

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