Results tagged ‘ Danny James ’

Cream Stick Gets Creamed, Video Gets Posted

sherlock.JPGFriday’s post ended on a note of uncertainty, as I lamented my inability to track down video footage of Vanilla getting knocked out during one of the Akron Aeros’ nightly Cream Stick Races.

Fortunately, I have readers who are more technologically adept than I am. Thanks largely to them, the mystery has been solved. Let me provide you with a brief timeline of what has occurred thus far:

— Friday, September 18: I write an end-of-season update on the Akron Aeros’ Cream Stick Race. The post contains a lengthy email excerpt from Aeros director of corporate and suite sales Calvin Funkhouser, who mentions that Cuyahoga Community College student Danny James possesses video footage of Vanilla getting knocked out. Funkhouser recommends that I and my readers “Facebook bomb” James in order to get him to release the video.

My attempts to find James on Facebook are fruitless, however, a fact I mention within the post. 

— I recieve an email early Saturday evening from “Becca in Boston”, a self-proclaimed “loyal fan” of this blog. Becca explains that I all have to do to locate James is search for his name on Facebook, and then filter the results by school. Who knew? Becca stops short of contacting James herself, however, explaining that “I feel a little sketchy saying ‘Hey, this blogger said this other guy said to contact you about a cream stick video.'”

That’s totally understood, Becca. Totally understood.

— On Sunday evening, commenter “Possum187” takes things a step further by posting a direct link to James’ Facebook page. “I believe this is the video-hoarding Ohioan you speak of” he writes.

— Using the link provided by Possum187, I contact James directly through Facebook. He responds that the video I seek is “on YouTube under Creamstick Gets Creamed.” This represents a major development in The Case of the Missing Cream Stick Video, and I beat a quick path over to YouTube in order to see if James was indeed telling me the truth.

He was! Observe, the long-awaited video of Vanilla getting knocked out:

Perhaps the video was a bit anticlimactic, considering the build-up, but I found it quite enjoyable nonetheless. It took a lot of work for me to bring it to you, the reader, and I couldn’t have done it alone. My sincere thanks to Calvin Funkhouser, Danny James, Becca from Boston, and Possum187. This may have been the first time you four have been mentioned within the span of a single sentence, but I sincerely hope it is not the last.

Update! — On September 23, Funkhouser wrote in with the following bit of pertinient info:

“For the record, that
was not staged. [Vanilla] was literally out on his feet and they HAD to help him
off the field. Him trying to get up then face-planting on the infield
dirt is my favorite part.

Cream Stick Conclusions

Thumbnail image for akronaeros.jpgBack in May, I did a post on the Akron Aeros’ rough-and-tumble Cream Stick Mascot Race. In short, this nightly competition featured three costumed characters — Vanilla, Chocolate, and Maple — racing from left field to the first base dugout.

Hilarity, as well as physical injury, often ensued.

Ever since this post ran, I have been deluged by reader emails and phone calls regarding the Cream Stick Race. This email, from “Jason R.” of Palo Alto, CA is representative of what the public has been demanding to know:

Mr. Hill —

I visited your blog after a co-worker of mine sent me a link to your post about that giant Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Fifth Third Burger.JPGhamburger. I loved the photo of the hamburger, and set about scouring your blog for more photos of giant hamburgers. I didn’t find any, and was ready to banish you to the internet netherworld from whence you came when I stumbled upon your post on the Cream Stick Race.

While not nearly as entertaining as a photo of a giant hamburger, the Cream Stick Race piqued my interest to the point where I, a totally not made-up person, am now sending you an email seeking more information. Which Cream Stick won the most races in 2009? And do any impossible-to-access videos exist of Vanilla getting knocked out?

At any rate, here’s hoping that you are one day able to transcend your cultish industry following and become a writer of at least moderate renown.


Jason R, from whatever town it was that you said I was from

Well, Jason R., you are in luck. For I recently received an email from the best-named front-office employee in all of Minor League Baseball – Akron Aeros director of corporate and suite sales Calvin Funkhouser.

Funkhouser writes:

funk house.jpg

know that it’s been a while since my last email, but I wanted to update you on
what was a tumultuous season of Acme Cream Stick races. This season not
only saw its share of grass stains, bruises, and blood, but also ripped pants,
bruised ribs, a nearly broken ankle that required a trip to the ER, and a cream
stick almost getting knocked out on field. 


the end of the season the three cream sticks were all tied at 22 wins
each. Fortunately the Aeros are in the playoffs which meant a Cream Stick
Championship Race. The course was extended to run around the outfield
portion of the warning track and in the end Chocolate pushed, shoved, and
sprinted his way to the championship.  As you can see in the attached
pictures Chocolate unified the regular season and playoff championships (yes,
those are old school WWF belts). 

And now, the aforementioned attached photos (“attached” presumably meaning that they are in monogamous relationships with other photos):

Akron -- Cream Stick Race 3.JPG

  Akron -- Chocolate Cream Stick Title Belt.JPG

Akron - Three Cream Sticks, Two Title Belts.JPG
The above photos are great, but what I, and Jason R., and many others want to see is this: Vanilla getting knocked out.

Funkhouser provides us only with this tantalizing clue:

you want to see the video of Vanilla getting knocked out you’ll need to friend
Danny James from Cuyahoga Community College on Facebook.  He didn’t put
the video on Youtube.  (feel free to print this last line, Dan getting
Facebook bombed would be hilarious).

The plot thickens! Who is this “Danny James” character, and why is he so stingy with his


exclusive Cream Stick Race footage? And, incidentally, is the Cuyahoga River still on fire? (despite the fact that I was born in Cleveland, my knowledge of the Cuyahoga begins and ends with Randy Newman).

I, for one, cannot even locate this “Danny James” on Facebook. Is there anyone out there who possesses people-finding skills that are greater than mine? Because I, and my legions of giant hamburger-obsessed readers, will not rest until we live in a world in which Vanilla Cream Stick knock-out videos are readily accessible on YouTube.