Results tagged ‘ Fifth Third Burger ’
There’s a well-known saying that goes “The way to a man’s heart is to put heart-shaped food into his stomach.”
The West Michigan Whitecaps have taken that to heart, as the team is now offering the world-famous Fifth-Third burger in the shape of a heart. This, truly, is a heart-stopping Valentine’s Day gift.
[T]his Valentine’s day beauty is no ordinary Fifth Third Burger…it has been customized for this one special occasion with a giant heart-shaped bun to please your sweetie.
Nutritionally, you can’t go wrong with this culinary piece of art. Weighing in at four pounds, the Valentine’s Day Fifth Third Burger has 4,889 calories and 299.5 grams of fat. Pound for pound, that’s just a little more than half of the fat and calories in four pounds of Hershey’s Milk Chocolate, which contains 9,000 calories and 557 grams of
fat. What a nutritional bargain!…The Fifth Third Burger heart-shaped bomb is available for just $30, but if you want a truly special unforgettable moment, opt for the $100 package and Crash the River Rascal will deliver this winner right to your special someone. He (or she) might even share this delicious dinner with you by candlelight.
I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the below photo is to scale:
As mentioned previously, I’m planning on doing a “Valentine’s Day in the Minors” post next week. But this bit of news I couldn’t resist, as it put my heart in my stomach.
Meanwhile, and stop me if you’ve heard it already, but the Brooklyn Cyclones have offered Christina Aguilera a National Anthem do-over.
Each year, it seems like someone makes a mistake and because it happens in the Super Bowl, the whole world is buzzing about it the next day. This year’s victim is four-time Grammy Award Winner and Staten Island, NY native Christina Aguilera whose slip-up during the Star-Spangled Banner has everyone talking.
With that in mind, the Brooklyn Cyclones have offered Christina Aguilera the opportunity to perform the National Anthem at MCU Park this summer. The team will even provide her a copy of the lyrics to prevent another
mishap from occurring.
I like the phrasing there, that the team will “even” provide Christina Aguilera a copy of the lyrics. Talk about a unique and irresistible bargaining chip!
Thank you for bearing with me yet again as we trudge in lockstep toward opening day. As the Salem Red Sox so eloquently tweeted yesterday:
If Phileas Fogg began his journey today, he’d be 20 days late for the Salem Red Sox season opener. #OnlySixtyDaysAway
And now that number has been reduced to 59. You better get moving, Phileas.
I’ve got a lot of West Michigan Whitecap news for you today. Like the Fifth Third Burger, it might take a while to digest. But, unlike the Fifth Third Burger, you won’t regret attempting to consume it one sitting.
You remember the aforementioned Fifth Third Burger, don’t you? The massive meat patty made international headlines last year (really), elevating the Whitecaps to Minor League concession stand royalty. The team knew they had their work cut out for them when it came to a 2010 follow-up, so, naturally, they turned to the fans for suggestions. 10 foodstuff finalists were chosen, with an online vote determining which would be served at the ballpark this season.
23,000 total votes were tallied, resulting in what the team describes as “the tightest race in food voting history.” It was so close that a virtual tie was declared, meaning that both the Cudhigi Yooper Sandwich (6,984 votes) and the Declaration of Indigestion (6,982 votes) will be available for fan consumption.
“We didn’t want a Bush vs. Gore in Florida situation, so we went with both”, explained Whitecaps director of marketing and media Mickey Graham.
The Cudhigi Yooper
For those not “in the know”, “Yoopers” are people who live in Michigan’s upper peninsula region. “Cudhigi” is a famous brand of sausage that emanates from said region. Put these two foreign-sounding words together, and you end up with a sandwich that consists of a sausage patty slathered with cheese, pizza sauce, peppers, and onions.
The Declaration of Indigestion
“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to disband from the tyranny of healthful eating, they should consume the Declaration of Indigestion,” reads the Whitecaps press release.
Such patriotic and flowery rhetoric probably brought a tear to your eye, so wipe it away and then check this out: a half-pound foot long hot dog covered with steak, cheese, pepper, and onions and served on an colossally-sized roll:
As if all of the above info wasn’t enough, the Whitecaps announced that the following items would also be added to concession stand menus in 2010: potato wedges, sweet potato fries, onion rings, Texas steak nachos, garlic & cheese breadsticks, Texas toast barbeque sandwiches, corn dogs, Italian grinders, boneless Buffalo wings, chocolate-covered cheesecake, fried ice cream and funnel fries.
“We’ll never get rid of it, thanks to you guys,” said Graham, with “you guys” in this case referring to the large hamburger-obsessed media. (How’s that for a sandwich? The fourth estate loves the Fifth Third).
And now I can finally get to my next piece of Whitecap news, which is tangentially related to the food and beverage beat: The inaugural “Wingstock” festival will be held at Fifth Third Field on June 12, and the headliner is none other than Snoop Dogg! To my knowledge, this is the first time that the legendary rapper has played at a Minor League stadium since he captivated Brooklyn’s KeySpan Park (now MCU Park) in 2008. I sincerely hope this is the beginning of a Minor League Snoop golden age.
In one of the most deeply idiosyncratic musical billings the world has ever seen, Snoop’s support act on this evening of chicken wing-fueled mayhem will be…
wait for it…
Jackyl. A band best known for its lead singer’s chainsaw prowess.
To summarize: An iconic West Coast rapper and an AC/DC-inspired chainsaw Southern rock band playing a wing festival held at a Minor League Baseball stadium in Michigan.
This is quite possibly the most American event of all time.
Things have been slow on the news front this week, leading to irrational fears that I’ll never have anything interesting to write about ever again. But, as usual, I have been amply provided for in my time of need.
The West Michigan Whitecaps have released their 10 finalists for 2010′s marquee new concession item, and it does not disappoint. As you may know, the team has a reputation to uphold in the category of “attention-getting concessions.” 2009′s big (and I mean that literally) addition was the Fifth Third Burger, a monstrous concoction that ended up becoming a multi-galaxial phenomenon.
Over the last three weeks, the Whitecaps have been soliciting concession suggestions from fans. The following list represents what they felt was the “best”, which in this case is even more subjective than usual. Behold:
1. Chicken and Waffles – Why did the chicken cross the road? To lie down on a bed of waffles, get smothered in gravy and get eaten by you, of course!
2. Chili Mac Tacos – Think comfort food that took a trip to
Mexico. Creamy mac and cheese is smothered in chili then loaded into a
hard taco shell to create a taste experience that won’t soon be
3. Chocolate Covered Bacon – This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed home and this little piggy dunked itself in
chocolate to become a delicious treat for Whitecaps fans!
4. Corn Dog o’ Plenty – If the Idaho Christmas Tree isn’t enough
corndog for you then try the Corn Dog o’ Plenty. A full half-pound,
footlong frank that is battered and deep fried to make one gigantic
5. Cudighi Yooper Sandwich – If you don’t know what this one is
then you haven’t been to the Upper Peninsula. Cudighi is a spicy
sausage found throughout the U.P. and we might bring it down to West
Michigan. A sausage patty, smothered in cheese, pizza sauce, peppers
and onions could grace the concession stands of Fifth Third Ballpark.
6. Declaration of Indigestion – When in the course of human
events it becomes necessary for one people to disband from the tyranny
of healthy eating, they should consume the Declaration of Indigestion.
You see, all sandwiches are not created equal as this half-pound,
footlong hot dog is covered in a philly cheese steak (steak, cheese,
peppers and onions) and served on a gigantic sub roll. It is certainly
your unalienable right to consume one of these in the pursuit of
7. Idaho Christmas Tree – Why waste your time eating all of your
favorite items separately? This is a batter-dipped hot dog rolled in
french fries and deep fried to create the perfect limbed link on stick.
8. Poutin – A real treat from North of the border. The French
Canadians have done it again, and this time with gravy. Fries, fried
cheese curds and gravy make up this delectable side dish. Tres bien!
9. The Pink Panther – Not sure if this guy is named after the
famous detective or the insulation, but either way it’s delicious. Take
a hot dog bun, slather it in icing and fill it with pink cotton candy.
Maybe drizzle some root beer syrup over the top for good measure. It’s
the dessert dog you’ll have to try this summer!
10. Twinkie Cheese Dog – This dog can survive any disaster and
it might cause a few of its own. Simple – a hot dog laid in a Twinkie
covered in cheese. Yum.
Twinkie Cheese Dog? Now where have we seen that before? I wonder…
Voting runs through February 23, so be sure to make your voice heard. And while it’s still very
But a deep-fried combination of hot dogs and french fries? That’s pure brilliance, and if executed properly it will be an advancement in American society on par with the polio vaccine.
I’ve got lots of Minor League news items to share with the masses, and like a fair-minded mother I love each item equally. Nonetheless, I can’t help but lead with THIS:
The West Michigan Whitecaps are soliciting original ideas for new food items to be
served at Fifth Third Ballpark this season. Starting Wednesday, January
20, fans can submit their ideas and thoughts online regarding what new
food items they would like to see served at Fifth Third Ballpark this
Some of the more unique concessions items served in the past include
Deep-Fried Twinkies, Caesar Salads, Deep-Fried Pepsi, Apple Cider
Floats and the Fifth Third Burger, which garnered international
attention with its debut last season and will remain on the menu in
And who could forget the Fifth Third Burger, that meaty monstrosity that just last March helped turn yours truly from an obscure blogger to a slightly less obscure blogger?
If YOU would like to submit a concession idea to the Whitecaps, then read on:
Ideas for new items will be taken through February 8 and
submissions can be made through the Whitecaps facebook page
(facebook.com/wmwhitecaps), the Whitecaps Twitter page
(twitter.com/wmwhitecaps) or via e-mail at
email@example.com. All submissions should be accompanied
with a description and a picture, if possible.
Starting February 9 fans will be able to vote for their choice on the
new 2010 concessions items. Voting will take place on the Whitecaps
website, whitecapsbaseball.com, and will end February 23.
I came up with an idea of my own, and if I can reconcile it with the laws of physics as well as societal mores then I will definitely submit it.
“Pants on the Ground” has become a certifiable cultural phenomenon, to the point where even Brett Favre is doing deeply unfunny renditions of it. And when a cultural phenomenon occurs, you best believe Minor League teams are going to jump on board. Kudos, then, to the Greensboro Grasshoppers for being the first team to create a video that references General Larry Platt’s masterpiece.
for the 2011 New York-Penn League All-Star Game. The winner recieves an All-Star Prize Pack as well as “a lifetime of bragging rights.” More details can be found HERE.
Proceeding Into the Abyss From Which There Is No Return — MLBlogs released its 2009 rankings today, and yours truly (me, in other words) finished 21st in the “Pro” category. This represents a significant step up from 2008′s #49 ranking, so thank you very much for reading. It is my ultimate goal to become #1 overall, not just within MLBlogs but the entire internet.
Beyond Forever — A little known fact is that I regularly churn out articles for MiLB.com. Recent offerings include pieces on Gwinnett County’s new GM, Haiti relief efforts, and a new edition of “Roadtrip“. Thanks, again, for reading.
Oh, and one last thing — Over the past several weeks, many clubs have posted pictures of their ballparks covered in snow. That was so early January, however, and teams that are “in-the-know” have moved on to the next trend: candid shots of fog enshroudment. Behold Trenton’s Waterfront Park:
And with that, I bid you farewell.
While I regret nothing — NOTHING! — I nonetheless feel compelled to point out that Minor League Baseball teams often provide food options that are not designed to kill you. In fact, it wasn’t so long ago that I penned (with my keyboard) an article on vegetarian food options at Minor League stadiums. This “Minoring in Business” feature article included quotes from PETA’s Dan Shannon, the very same individual who recently authored a letter condemning the wastefulness of the Fifth Third Burger.
My point here is that reality is far more nuanced than perception (I learned to make such points as a result of fulfilling a Philosophy prerequisite in my freshman year of college).
One team that is bravely bucking current concession stand trends are the Birmingham Barons, who recently sent out a defiant, bullet-point heavy press release that touts their new “Healthy Hits” menu. Some excerpts:
? Regions Park is proud to promote healthy eating choices in 2009. The stadium’s brand-new “Healthy Hits Menu” will be highlighted by a menu consisting of a grilled chicken sandwich, wraps, green salads, fresh fruits and vegetables, granola bars, yogurt, milk, fruit juices and baked chips. In addition, zero trans fats will be used for fried items in the ballpark’s concessions stands.
? This addition comes in light of some staggering numbers concerning obesity, particularly related to ballpark food and our favorite demographic, children.
? Ballpark food typically offers no help to this cause. Ballpark favorites such as hot dogs, corn dogs, pizza, peanuts, crackerjacks, nachos, soft pretzels, frozen malts and chili fries offer an average of 17.1 grams of fat per option and a staggering 356.2 calories between them.
Of course, the Barons do offer typical ballpark food as well — unhealthy or not, there’s always going to be a demand for hot dogs, nachos, and the like. But there’s no reason why “healthy” and “unhealthy” options can’t co-exist peacefully with one another. Together, they are the yin and yang of the ballpark dining experience.
“At Home With” Postmortem: As mentioned before on this blog, my weekly “At Home With” team profile column is no more. Up now on MiLB.com is “At Home With…At Home With”, a humorous and highly readable compilation of the column’s most insightful and amusing anecdotes. Dozens of teams are highlighted therein. Please check it out.
Thanks for reading. As always, don’t hesitate to get in touch: firstname.lastname@example.org
As befits a team bearing the name “Whitecaps”, West Michigan has been
riding an unbelievable wave of publicity over the past several weeks.
Their Fifth Third Burger continues to be an object of nationwide –
nay, worldwide — fascination, to the point where opportunistic public
interest groups are generating national press simply by challenging its right to
But the Whitecaps have moved on. To this:
If you just thought to yourself, “Wow, that’s a 40-foot plunger located in left-center field of West Michigan’s Fifth Third Park!”, then I congratulate your remarkable ability to estimate an object’s height, location, and purpose. From the press release:
“The Penning Plumbing Plunger will help fans celebrate key moments during games. Located in left center field, the Penning Plumbing Plunger will move up and down and shoot water into the air after Whitecaps’ pitchers “flush away” the opposing team with inning-ending strikeouts.
“The concept was born from the challenge of coming up with creative ideas for Penning Plumbing,” said Whitecaps Vice President of Sales Steve McCarthy. “We had our hearts set on a giant plunger and even experimented with attaching one to the foul poles but the wind created stability issues. This is a much better solution.”
So…on behalf of lazy comedians everywhere, let me make the following observation:
That plunger is going to come in pretty handy this season, given that the Fifth Third Field stands are going to be filled with people attempting to eat a 1.6 pound burger!
Time for me to make a hasty retreat. As I do so, please distract yourself with this video of the plunger in action
As of this writing (6:33 p.m. EST), over 11,000 unique visitors have stopped by and had a look, and I sincerely hope that at least a few of these individuals become repeat “customers”. The reason for this dramatic uptick is my recent post on West Michigan’s mammoth 1.6 pound hamburger. CNBC’s Darren Rovell picked up the story and was kind enough to give me a “shout out”, and since then the post has been linked to by a dizzying array of blogs and message boards.
I have thought long and hard about how to capitalize on my fleeting, jumbo burger-related “fame”, and here’s the plan that I have come up with:
1. Give the people (more of) what they want.
2. Follow up by giving the people something they didn’t even know that they wanted.
Part Two is coming tomorrow, and it’s a doozy. But, for now, I will simply display the holy trinity of Minor League concession items. (Yes, this is gratuitous, and yes, I am pandering).
I use this image as part of my daily meditation practices, concentrating on it in order to give myself access to deep inner mental states. This is not a joke.
This is to a normal hot dog what a normal hot dog is to one those little pig-in-a-blanket mini-weiners. I did the math.
#3 Fifth Third Burger (West Michigan Whitecaps)
Whether it’s a concession stand item or a double-overtime hockey game, five thirds is always a lot.
Once again: tomorrow’s post is going to be a good one, so please check back. And, please, get in touch at any time about anything. Reader correspondence is absolutely crucial to this operation.
The idea of paying $20 for a hamburger at a Minor League ballpark seems a bit absurd, don’t you think? In this economy, fans are looking for value above all else. No one seems particularly anxious to indulge themselves, unless they have recently awakened from a decade-long coma.
But context is everything. The West Michigan Whitecaps recently announced their new concession items for 2009, and this list is indeed highlighted by a $20 hamburger. Believe it or not, this burger is actually a good value: it weighs 5/3rds of a pound, and can feed a family of four!
The “Fifth Third Burger” (so-called because the Whitecaps play in Fifth Third Ballpark) is 5/3 pounds of grilled hamburger topped with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. Saddled with the heroic task of holding it all together is an eight-inch sesame seed bun.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The picture:
In closing, I would like to ask the following question: If your life depended on it, would you rather eat the Fifth Third Burger, or the Homewrecker Hot Dog? Think hard, and choose wisely.
Update, 3/25: This post has received an absurd amount of attention over the past several days, and it is now time to move on to the next Minor League innovation. Click HERE. You will not be disappointed.