Designated Eater: Zack Has No Trouble with the Curve Burger

Altoona was the sixth and final stop of my July-August 2017 Northeast road trip. To see all posts from the trip, click HERE. To see all “On the Road” posts, click HERE.

My night with the Altoona Curve was exceedingly busy. By the time I met with Designated Eater Zack Hulings, it was coming up on the seventh inning. Zack, who would be tasked with consuming the ballpark cuisine that my gluten-free diet prohibits, is forthright and efficient. We got the job done.

Zack was at the ballgame with his fiancee, Sara, as well as a friend of Sara’s who seemed very bored with whatever weird thing Zack was doing and mostly just looked at her phone.

So here’s Zack and Sara, who are getting married on December 2nd.

Zack, like me, grew up in the Philadelphia area and then went to the University of Pittsburgh. I have never shared so many biographical details with a Designated Eater. But, unlike me, Zack still lives in the Philadelphia area. He resides in Lansdale, Pennsylvania (located a short distance from my hometown of Ambler), and works one-on-one with autistic kids at a local elementary school.

Zack has a Philadelphia Flyers tattoo, which he said was “bad news in Pittsburgh country.”

His tattoo of the Cathedral of Learning, the most prominent and iconic building on Pitt’s campus, was presumedly good news in Pittsburgh country.

The Curve don’t put much of an emphasis on absurd, regional or otherwise unique concession items. So Zack and I procured the team’s most celebrated delicacy: The Curve Burger. It is sold at this “BBQ Pit,” located on the first base side of Peoples Natural Gas Field.

The Curve Burger is, literally, all that and a bag of chips.

Zack was ready for it.

“I’m so hungry, and this is amazing,” said Zack. “A really good burger, big and juicy and well worth the price of admission. Certainly well worth the zero dollars I paid for it.”

Zack also enjoyed his Martin’s-brand potato chips, though he said he prefers kettle-cooked chips. Martin’s is based in Thomasville, Pennsylvania, approximately 150 miles southeast of Altoona.

As Zack was enjoying his burger, I suggested that he share it with Sara. She was wary at first.

But ultimately, Sara decided to go for it. This is what true love looks like.

Zack met Sara at a previous job, where Sara was his supervisor. When that job ended, for both of them, they immediately embarked on a two-week road trip. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Leaving Zack and Sara to their burger bliss, I provided a quick #cupdate for all of the #cupdate fiends out there.

And then? Well, time was running out and we didn’t quite know what to do. And when in doubt, choose nachos. In this case, pulled pork nachos.

Lighting was a problem for me, an amateur photographer, throughout Zack’s Designated Eater stint. He ate his nachos in relative darkness.

A search for a better photographic environment somehow led us to this unorthodox situation.

“These are really good,” said Zack, of the nachos. “The barbecue sauce is really sweet, really tangy, and goes with the cheese really well.”

Really.

And that was it for Zack’s stint as a Designated Eater; he really made the best of a time-sensitive situation.

“This is the crowning achievement of my life. That’ll change December 2,” said Zack, referring to his upcoming marriage to Sara.

He then adopted a stage whisper in order to express a controversial alternate possibility.

“Then again, it might not.”

Thanks, Zack.

benjamin.hill@mlb.com

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